I often wonder why things happen. Coincidence, fate, or a spiritual set of reward and punishment. All these reasons come together to color and cloud the way I look at my circumstances. I have, at different times, like everyone else, done the wrong thing when I should have done the right thing. Does my neglect of my own knowledge of right and wrong come back and bite me in the ass?
I tend to believe there are consequences for our actions. But are there, in this life, penalties for choosing to sin? It has been my experience that when I fall short there is an almost immediate circumstance or thing that happens. Is this all in my head? I'm a guy who tends to ask forgiveness, albeit genuinely and wholeheartedly, a long time after my actions, and I can't help but wonder if God does actively "discipline those he loves" in the meantime.
Case in point: I got lost on the way back from a movie and it took us twenty five extra minutes of driving. Then the next day Laurie discovers that she has made a mistake in booking our flights to get to Florida to take our cruise. The error will cost us at least $360. Now the conspiracist in me would say that those events in proximity to my bad choice would be quite suspect. But the normal side of me wants to chalk it up to those things happen. And I'm not really sure what to do with the spiritual side. I deserve to be reprimanded if I've screwed up and am blatantly disobedient. But is that in fact what's happening? Does God have a vested interest in correcting my behavior that manifests itself through apparent bad luck? We often chalk up good things happening in our lives to his blessing but is it so out there to consider that he still curses those who misrepresent him by their actions?
I believe the God of the NT is also the God of the Old, and while there is a new covenant he won't be mocked forever. When I choose to sin in the face of his love and sacrifice maybe I need a good kick in the head every once in a while.
To me though, the greater question has to do with my vocation. I want to work in a church full time and sometimes I feel my screw-ups jeopardize that ambition. Now I'm not naive enough to believe that pastors don't sin or that there aren't pastors in positions that are actively sinning. So am I off base in wondering why I am less worthy than they are to work full time for the kingdom? I'm an honest guy and that gets me into trouble sometimes. I admit when I fall short, I don't take credit for abilities I may or may not have and I get into uneasy territory when I publicly(as public as this blog is) discuss issues like this that may have details about my personal spiritual journey. But I never want to lose this penchant for self evaluation and this questioning spirit. And I want to share these things with others so they can look inwardly and with a sigh of relief say "Thank God I'm not the only one".
(Thanks to Beck for the lyrical title)
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2 comments:
Why do you want to work in a church? And if you don't work in a church, are you not still working full time for the Kingdom? Also, I just think that all people screw up at times, and if a church won't let you work there because you are not "perfect" then why bother with them?
today's north american christianity is a fraudulent joke...we've trivialized the presence of God in our lives...we're missing out on entire sanctification...analyze, analyze, analyze...it's a fun exercise but wearisome.
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