Craptastic!

I may be the most disgusting guy around but I feel like I'm not alone. I have peed on the back of my pants while sitting on the toilet at school. Sometimes when I cough really hard something will fly out the back of my throat. I pick my nose and fling my boogers, in a really secret way. And most disgusting of all, if I don't get enough toilet paper, I can get poo on my hand by accident. Gross, gross, gross.
So for all of you out there who are closet nasties, the time has come to stand and confess. Amnesty has been granted here at Breastmilk Ice Cream.

Thanks a lot

This is a list of things I am thankful for in no particular order and for no special reason.

I'm thankful I have three toilets in my house. Especially this moment.
I'm thankful for credit cards.
I'm thankful for second chances.....and third and fourth and......
I'm thankful my parents are still married.
I'm thankful I was brought up right.
I'm thankful I went to Bethany Bible College and built the relationships I have.
I'm thankful for a bunch of knuckleheads I call my small group.
I'm thankful for American cheese slices.
I'm thankful for a beautiful 2 year old.
I'm thankful for a beautiful 30 year old.
I'm thankful I can still walk without pain.(some days)
I'm thankful for unlimited opportunity.
I'm thankful for the humble potato.
I'm thankful for a crappy job.(cause it's a job)
I'm thankful there is potential for more.
I'm thankful for trivia.
I'm thankful for free internet.
I'm thankful for generous parents and in-laws.
I'm thankful for a family free from strife.(cause not everyone can say that)
I'm thankful for hand moisturizer.
I'm thankful for this moment and the next.
I'm thankful I can read about my Lord anytime I'm motivated enough to do it.
I'm thankful he doesn't keep score.
I'm thankful you took the time to read this.

Leave of Absence

Sorry folks. I've been neglecting you and that's just not fair. (actually by the lack of comment on my lack of blogging it lets me know how little my "frivolous entertainment" has been missed.)
I have, though, good reasons for most of my non blogging.
1. I just wasn't inspired and there's nothing worse than uninspired writing.(see Star Wars 1-3)
2. I went on a forty day fast of the Internet.
3. Immediately following the fast, we went on a week long cruise. (This is not a complaint merely an excuse.)
But now awash in seawater and having gained a fresh perspective on the written word and it's importance in culture, I want to blog again. I shall aspire anew to bring you the hard hitting, funny and self revelatory drivel you've come to know and love. Consider that a threat.

So what you're saying is....

I smoked a Dominican cigar a couple of weeks ago. Smoked the whole thing, right down to the end. It made me feel weird. Like I was nauseous and broke into a cold sweat. That and the fact you taste it for a day after affirms my commitment to smoke only two a year, if that.
I feel as though I am king of the double entendre. Like if there is a joke to be made about the second meaning of something, my brain automatically leaps there and I'll chuckle to myself.
I've been a bit on edge the last few days and I can really pinpoint why. Not angry or mean just touchy. I try to be fairly happy go lucky but this week....I think I have some deeper things to work through.
It smells like fire outside. Like a wood burning fire. I love it when something I experience helps me relive a memory. The other day a friend of mine pulled out a roll of Certs. You remember... the little mints with "retsin" to help freshen breath. Well my Uncle Jim used to bring us rolls of those every time he visited. I don't even know where you get them these days. Anyone else got a story like that? Something so small yet so powerfully entrenched in your memory?
I think I lost a gift from my Mom today. We had purchased the first three Harry Potter books in a 3-pack and got home and forgot about them. Well later in the day we found a six pack at another store. So we decided to take the other pack back the next day to get the money back. Come to find out we couldn't locate the books. Best as we can recollect they never actually made it inside the car. I believe in strapping my daughter in the car I forgot them on the roof and drove away. Thank God it wasn't the other way around. Emma would be pissed. Still it's just another example of my carelessness either getting me hurt or costing me money. If I could trade for someone else's life for just a few days it would be a real relief.
The nights are getting cooler here. I thoroughly enjoy fall and it can't get here quick enough for my tastes. Football, sweatshirts and cool breezes. Ahhhh.

Positives: getting 6 Harry books, smoked meats, two months til the cruise
Negatives: losing 3 Harry books, overly fatty meats, two months til the cruise

some things to consider

Have you ever looked at pictures of yourself with your eyes closed? I always used to be concerned about how I looked. Never having seen myself until about a week ago. I don't get many pictures taken of me while I sleep. Not a strange as I thought it would be.
Blue raspberry is an entirely man-made flavor. Nowhere in nature is there a raspberry that is blue.
Squirrel peanut butter, for some reason, did away with the peanut on the top of their product. I bought it not only for the flavor, but because it was the one with the peanut on top.
Why do diet products, which contain sweetener 100 times more powerful than sugar, taste so bad? Like they need a teaspoon of sugar.
The average American consumes 8 gallons of ice cream a year. Vanilla is still the most popular flavor. (A claim I do not believe)
I went to a beautiful home for a party yesterday and it was ten times nicer than ours. But I was comforted by the fact that their paint job looked just as amateur as our own.
Harry Potter was on the cover of Entertainment Weekly for their fall movie preview. Only the day before Warner Brothers announced they are moving the movie to July 2009. Can anyone get it together? I'm just saying. Plus it sucks having to wait a whole eight months more.
My parents visit in three weeks. They've seen Emma twice so far. I'm going to have to train her with a picture to be able to identify them.
Xmas list: Harry Potter books in paperback. New shirts. New ties.

I'm a loser baby....so why don't you kill me

I often wonder why things happen. Coincidence, fate, or a spiritual set of reward and punishment. All these reasons come together to color and cloud the way I look at my circumstances. I have, at different times, like everyone else, done the wrong thing when I should have done the right thing. Does my neglect of my own knowledge of right and wrong come back and bite me in the ass?
I tend to believe there are consequences for our actions. But are there, in this life, penalties for choosing to sin? It has been my experience that when I fall short there is an almost immediate circumstance or thing that happens. Is this all in my head? I'm a guy who tends to ask forgiveness, albeit genuinely and wholeheartedly, a long time after my actions, and I can't help but wonder if God does actively "discipline those he loves" in the meantime.
Case in point: I got lost on the way back from a movie and it took us twenty five extra minutes of driving. Then the next day Laurie discovers that she has made a mistake in booking our flights to get to Florida to take our cruise. The error will cost us at least $360. Now the conspiracist in me would say that those events in proximity to my bad choice would be quite suspect. But the normal side of me wants to chalk it up to those things happen. And I'm not really sure what to do with the spiritual side. I deserve to be reprimanded if I've screwed up and am blatantly disobedient. But is that in fact what's happening? Does God have a vested interest in correcting my behavior that manifests itself through apparent bad luck? We often chalk up good things happening in our lives to his blessing but is it so out there to consider that he still curses those who misrepresent him by their actions?
I believe the God of the NT is also the God of the Old, and while there is a new covenant he won't be mocked forever. When I choose to sin in the face of his love and sacrifice maybe I need a good kick in the head every once in a while.
To me though, the greater question has to do with my vocation. I want to work in a church full time and sometimes I feel my screw-ups jeopardize that ambition. Now I'm not naive enough to believe that pastors don't sin or that there aren't pastors in positions that are actively sinning. So am I off base in wondering why I am less worthy than they are to work full time for the kingdom? I'm an honest guy and that gets me into trouble sometimes. I admit when I fall short, I don't take credit for abilities I may or may not have and I get into uneasy territory when I publicly(as public as this blog is) discuss issues like this that may have details about my personal spiritual journey. But I never want to lose this penchant for self evaluation and this questioning spirit. And I want to share these things with others so they can look inwardly and with a sigh of relief say "Thank God I'm not the only one".
(Thanks to Beck for the lyrical title)

What's up

I have a friend who told me a story Wednesday night. When he was about fifteen, he had a weird feeling one night and his father told him to check himself over. He found (brace yourself) a tick in his wiener. So his Dad walks in to the bathroom with a lit match, which apparently will make a tick back out of the skin. Needless to say he freaked. The other guy we were with was cringing as much as I was when the story was told. Can you friggin' imagine?
We were at the home of friends tonight and they have a dog that will go into the garden and eat their tomatoes. He'll go in and pick just the right one, mostly green with just a touch of red.
I love a good thunderstorm. We were hoping for one tonight. It's great for just sitting and watching and listening. Tonight we had chicken that had been marinated for 3 days, fresh picked corn that was beyond sweet and tender, and a five layer chocolate desert. Oh and bread and butter. Sigh. I love food.

Positives: Homemade peach jam, next Wednesday, the bloggosphere
Negatives: being cableless, no volume control, sweating at night

Strange but true

This is going to sound weird to all the girls but when I pee I pee to one side. I don't know if this happens to all guys or even women but I know it is real to me. Plus sometimes my pee will shoot into two streams. I'm like some kind of mutant pee-er.
The next big project we are going to undertake, besides re-painting every room in the house, is new flooring. Probably fake hardwood. Then we work on replacing the lawn.
I bought like nine new T-shirts on vacation. For the first time, I like every shirt in my dresser.
Laurie and I picked peaches off the tree in Virginia and made jam the following week. It is de-friggin-licious. Made a new cookie for a neighbor's birthday yesterday. Chocolate with raspberry jam. I'm not quite the domestic goddess that Kristi Benson is but....
Last night after an hour long search I finally found a song I'd been looking for for well over half a year. It was in an episode of "Bones" at the end. Turns out it was a song called "Precious" by Depeche Mode.


Positives: blogging, movies in theaters, 5 dollar large pepperoni
Negatives: unreliable phone service, wonky back, outstanding contracts

Almost Compelling Storytelling

I care about stupid stuff sometimes. And what I mean by that is I care about stuff that doesn't really matter a little more than it deserves. Entertainment Weekly just released its 1000th issue and it ranks the top 100 "new classics" in a bunch of categories. In the TV category it didn't rank "Cheers" as one of the best shows on TV in the last 25 years. Now I don't know why, but it's very important to me to write to them and tell them they're wrong. I even got angry at a couple of the shows they ranked in the top 100. (Of course who wouldn't be pissed at seeing "Friday Night Lights" on anybodies favorites list.) It makes me wonder what the standard could possibly have been.
Laurie and I had a fight last night and it was over the same thing we always fight about: money, and the way it is spent. We actually have more disposable income than we realize, it's just that I spend it in 5 dollar increments 15 times a month and Laurie spends it in larger increments once every 3 months. Basically tuna subs vs. gym memberships. Anyway we had a stern disagreement last night and I walked out of the room with a "I'll see you in the morning", intending to sleep on the couch. Well, Laurie didn't know this, so my angry exit sounded like a polite farewell. I guess I need to learn to communicate my huffiness better. I told her this in the morning and she had a good laugh.
I'm at the stage of parenthood where it's OK for me to take care of other people's kids when we're all together. If they want to go off with my kid or they want to hang with me then it's quite all right with the other parents in the neighborhood. It's amazing, the honor bequeathed with siring a child.
I find it strange that as a future possible job would take us out of state we are connecting with more of our neighbors. As I said this has a lot to do with having a child.
I've been pondering life with constant back pain and the outlook isn't good. I'm no stranger to injuries and this is just one more to add to the list but all my others don't have the possibility for long term debilitation. I guess it's not going to be heart disease that has me thinking about weight loss for my health.
We head to Virginia in 5 days and I can't wait. First time on vacation in 11 months. Laurie's parents are especially willing to give us time to ourselves as it gives them more time with their only grandchild.
I'm now up to 21 mixes and it would be more if not for the limitations of our laptop. I can't download songs that require itunes plus. Bummer.
Positives: a thousand dollar bonus if I can make it through July, softball tonight, four free condoms.
Negatives: the return of the boss, Emma pinching my wiener, sandal footprints on a clean floor.

Blissfully Wistful

It's amazing to think of where my friends are now. I went to college roughly 13 years ago, and there are so many of my classmates who have actually seen the world. Or at least a far-reaching corner of it. I'm humbled that God led us to Columbus, OH, a city of a little over a million people counting surrounding areas. But to think that I have acquaintances in the far corners of the globe is awe-inspiring. Further proving the work of the Lord is not restricted by borders.
Scott Landry and his wife Amy are serving in Yellowknife, Northwest Territories. Robin White is currently in Japan. Andrew and Amy Donovan are in New Zealand. Caleb Lapointe now lives in Australia. One of my classmates is in one of the former Soviet States ministering in secret.
As I take a possible step into full-time ministry it makes me want to compare my own life and accomplishments with their own. That is a temptation that they would tell me to avoid though. God does not measure how far you've gone just how far you've come. And I don't plan on jogging in place.

Twenty five things I'd like to try

Sky-diving, a truffle(the real kind), acting, first class, riding in a limo, writing a book, chocolate liqueur, building a treehouse, growing a long beard, boxing, professional taster, a month long vacation, gambling in Vegas, downhill skiing, beef tenderloin, playing Santa, deep frying a turkey, a monopoly marathon, going on Jeopardy, baking professionally, Hawaiian Shave Ice at Matsumoto's Grocery, working for Ben and Jerry's, getting a massage, playing a round of golf, pastoring. Oh, and disc jockeying at a radio station.

Pride and Joy

Just a few photos of the peach.

And now: a word from our sponsor...

I really enjoy many things. I make use of them, like the advertising, would even recommend them to others. I make no bones about being unabashedly geeky when it comes to certain things. Product loyalty is one of them. Here is an non-comprehensive list in no particular order.
Lucky Charms
Gain
Old Navy
Dove Ice Cream Bars
Crest
Nike
Sports Illustrated
The Food Network
ESPN
Victoria's Secret
American Eagle
Kraft
Chik-Fil-A
Coke
Speed Stick
Scotch Brand Tape
Now an overdue shout out to the ladies. In my short time on this earth, I've had the pleasure of meeting, living with and befriending some great ladies. With a nod to Mother's Day, I'd like to tell of some women who've shaped my life. My birth mother, whoever you are: Thanks for not aborting me and for placing me with a family who loved me. Not everyone can say that. To my real mother: Thanks for loving me as much as those from your womb(even more it could be argued). To my sister: Thanks for being patient with me as I grew into someone who learned to respect and appreciate who you are. To my former girlfriends: Thanks for guiding me towards adulthood and teaching me a little about true love. To my present female friends: Thanks for your listening ears, your friendships and for sharing your fellas with me. To my wife: Thanks for taking this long, lovely walk hand in hand. And to my daughter: Thank you for allowing me to see the heart and face of God.
I love all of you so much.

Jon

You want fries with that?

Lately I've been noticing that I only seem to gain and lose weight in two places. My face and my tummy. Weird, cause growing up it was my waist and hips. I guess I should be grateful that I don't have to buy new pants anymore just shirts. Laurie wants me to cut back and not let myself get big, big. That's fair.
Last Saturday I was feeling peckish. And I remembered that we just got a Little Caesar's about a mile from us. So I went there about 10pm and discovered I was not the only one who was hungry. Five bucks got you a hot fresh Large pepperoni. Awesome. I had five slices. And three the next day.
Why is it that onion rings are the white gold of the fast food industry? I swear there isn't one menu where they cost the same as fries. Aren't onions even cheaper than potatoes? Why do you have to upgrade? Why isn't it an even trade? C'mon people, stand up and say NO MORE!
Now it's time to heap praise on someone I know.
Jon Stephens is the best storyteller I've ever met. He can make the mundane uproarious. I salute you man. For your upbeat spirit and your can do attitude. Though you do suck a little for never calling.

Information Superhighway

I used to think I was allergic to the sun. Every time I would look up I sneezed so I just figured....I still can't explain that phenomenon. It happens to the kid too.
Driving doesn't really relax me. I get uptight because I try to get into the other drivers' heads. Like, why would they be braking every thirty seconds? Why are they going the school zone speed limit when school is not in session? Why are they not going on the green light?
Have you ever really poured Johnson's Baby Shampoo into your eyes? Tearless my ass. It stings.
Why is it that lunch meats aren't good on the second day but spaghetti is?
I paid 20 bucks for 8 razor blades yesterday. Man did I go into the wrong business.
I haven't taken a bath in like ten years. I should.
This week Laurie is going to a conference in Atlanta and I have Emma all to myself for like four days. Scary. She doesn't sleep as well for me but she eats better so I guess we'll have a chubby, bleary-eyed little girl when she returns home. I tend to splurge when Laurie isn't around. Sometimes it's a movie, or eating out...who am I kidding, it's always eating out.
I wish I could find the perfect T-shirt. I find them here and there but I usually can't go back and buy like twenty of them. I'd like to pitch about half my stock right now. Too short or too tight. Or I could lose ten pounds.
Now it's time to heap praise on someone I know.
Kelly Thomas: write a book already! Your prose is touching, human and heartfelt. That spells blockbuster where I'm from. Just as long as I'm in the "Special thanks to" notes.
Positives: a great church, a dog bed full of balls and two laughing babies, tender pork loin
Negatives: wandering in all forms, God's timing, dry clean only pants

The power of pie

I went out to a diner tonight. It's located in an old gas station and has that small town feel that every diner should. Well, "Henry's" is known for its pie and my friend Jon called the diner in advance to make sure we would get a piece. Upon arrival we were asked by the waitress if we would be willing to give up our slices. There were two men, a father and son, who were from Pennsylvania. They had visited "Henry's" 18 years earlier and had a piece of pie. Remembering how good it was they wanted to stop again and have a slice. But it turned out they had sold every piece, save those reserved for us. Well hearing their plight, how could we refuse? The cool thing was the guys had been sitting there just chatting with the locals for about 20 minutes. Had they left even a minute earlier, our paths would not have crossed and we never would have had the chance to show that kindness. The best part was how appreciative the men were. It really was the best pie they'd ever had.
We really had a funny waitress too. They were out of two of the entrees we ordered, so when Tim and I reordered, we were only allowed to order something that met her standards. Also Evan got labeled a wimp for not ordering true diner food. She was a hoot. Just the lady to deal with a bunch of wise asses like us.
Life is interesting right now. Em is regressing in the sleep area again. Work is a bitter grind. And I'm being shut out on the pastoral job search, again.
Did you ever have a pee that felt like it would never end? It's a weird sensation.
Positives: free subs, first pre-need sale, grocery shopping
Negatives: managerial oversight, garlic breath, far away "lighters"

Menudo

Voluminous! There, I finally remembered one. Snowflake. Good also.
AJ has been giving me bits and pieces of song lyrics and I have to try to finish them. I read a couple of years ago that the British voted on the all-time best song lyric. And the winner was "One life, with each other, sisters, brothers", from "one" by U2.
My personal favorite comes from a song by Third Day called "I don't know".

"I don't know what I could say, or would it matter anyway? Cause I don't know how you could still forgive me. For all that I have put you through, is there anything that I can do? I would give my life to find your mercy. What will it take until you forgive me? Or Lord will I find that you have already. I don't know."

I feel bad when I have to discipline. Whether it's my dogs or my daughter, I don't enjoy it in the least. This realization offers me insight into the heart of God. I am a father. God is my father. The bible says the lord disciplines those he loves, like a father disciplines his child. Well, if I feel as bad as I do and I'm not even close to being able to love as God does, how much more does my "Dad" agonize over my course corrections, my discipline?
Tomorrow I get to give, on behalf of my small group, a trunkload of groceries to a woman who needs it. Out of work, three kids. It feels right, you know? Helping out, I mean. Doing the work of the church. I'm blessed to hang with these broken, striving, flawed, sainted brothers.
Positives: Free milkshake #2, sending out resumes, Jon and Joyce Myers
Negatives: Management, the glut of good TV on Thursday nights, lack of experience

Don't patronize me

Funny isn't it? Patronage is a good thing, but patronizing is bad.
I like words: How they sound, and sometimes perfectly represent what they are.
Laurie likes the word llama cause it's a double L. And effervescent. She hates ornery, facetious and phenomenal. I like sizzle, drummer and jerk. I hate tool, awesome and the phrase "hedge of protection".
Brilliant is underused. I met a guy from Ireland last night and he described the parents of his girlfriend as "brilliant". Funny, eh? I like fifties words like neat and swell and keen and golly gee whiz.
Fart is a fun word. It's playfully crass. Like crap. No one says crap better than my friend Jon. It's always preceded by the word "Awww".
The written word is better than the spoken word, I believe. I appreciate it more when I see words put together in a pleasant or smart way. I can appreciate fine oratory but I bow to good writing. I aspire to it. I respect when someone chooses their words carefully to more accurately and descriptively convey what they've experienced. It makes me want to become a student of language.
I never remember all my favorite words when I want to so the time has come to defer to you, the reader and let you opine on your favorite words or phrases. Hopefully I'll remember mine someday soon.

Thank God I'm not lactose intolerant

Today was a good day.
OK, this may not come as a surprise to many of you, but I'm a food geek. I like trying food. I like learning about food. I like shows about food. I kind of revel in it. I especially appreciate it when it's free.
This afternoon I was driving by the local Chik fil A and saw on their sign that on April 2nd you could win shakes for a year at 5pm. What could it hurt to stop inside? I figured it was some drawing that I'd never win but what the heck. Turns out all you had to do was get in line, get a ticket and stay on the premises until 5. The first one hundred people to get their ticket got a punch card good for 52 free milkshakes or one per week.
Well, I called Laurie and it didn't take much convincing to get her over there. An hour and a half later we were holding the first of our 52 shakes. I don't know why, but life seemed better because I held that card. Who knew that one stop could totally affect the rest of my year?
Now if only this specter of good fortune would turn its gaze upon my career. Can't be greedy I guess.
Positives: Emma's grins, appointments, free trips to Cracker Barrel
Negatives: Cutting nails too short, boogers, mornings beginning before 6am

Jeckyl and Hyde

I don't normally recommend R-rated material. But I've got to say that "Regular Everyday Normal Guy" on funnyordie.com is one of the funniest things I've ever heard. Sorry, but it's true. I've learned over the course of my years that people who wouldn't laugh at South Park are worthy of admiration but they're not as fun to be around.
My daughter hit me in the nose with the DVD remote yesterday and drew blood. Laurie laughed so hard she cried. Which brings up an interesting question. Why is it so funny when awkwardly painful things happen to people? Who doesn't smirk or downright guffaw when some guy takes a ball to the groin?
I miss my hair sometimes. I like the way it looked long.
I think it's funny that when I'm out in public I always put toilet paper on the seat before going. Yet when I'm in someone's house, I do not. It doesn't even occur to me in my own house even if we've had company. Really, are public toilets that much dirtier? Peace of mind is a funny thing.
One good thing about my new job is that I'm the designated food fetcher on call nights. I've been to like five different places now.

In closing, "This is my prayer for you: that your love will grow more and more; that you will have knowledge and understanding with your love; that you will see the difference between good and bad and will choose the good; that you will be pure and without wrong for the coming of Christ; that you will do many good things with the help of Christ to bring glory and praise to God."

The results show

Well here is the answer to question number 1. Nope. It ran out of absorption at the 2/3 mark.
Experiment #2
How long can I go without complaining? I saw this on CBS This Morning. A pastor had challenged his congregants to go 3 weeks without complaining. If they made it they got a certificate of happiness. We shall see.
I long to do something meaningful, or that I can recognize as meaningful. I may insert myself into the worship arts here, for as long as we are here, or as long as I can stand it.
Positives: "Momma", spring, the merciful end to my basketball season.
(*no negatives, for three weeks at least)

Grow Up!

My new blog series is going to be an unofficial set of experiments.

Experiment #1 Will a size 3 huggies diaper hold a normal sized adult pee. Results to follow.
By the way, I was watching my daughter walk and I noticed she kind of swings her legs from side to side like swiveling instead of walking. Also her arms stay raised almost even with her head. Is this so she will not fall? I'm not sure but it always makes her seem happier when she waddles around. That might be experiment #2. How would society react to seeing a grown man walk around like that? I have no shame, just so you know.
I'm so attracted to my wife right now it's amazing. They say it goes in cycles. I hope this lasts a long time. It feels right and pure to think your wife is sexy. Like you want no one but her. Shout out to VS.
Positives: VS, Free Dinner Date from in-laws, "Messy Spirituality" by Mike Yaconelli
Negatives: general unwellness, double chins, soggy pant cuffs

Wrestling with normalcy

Have you ever been told something about something and then other things actually occur? This, in a nutshell, is my job. There have been quite a few things that have popped up as responsibilities that were not communicated to me when I was hired.
When I was in college, I had a collection that grossed out my roommate. I had a major chest cold every year and I would hoike up phlegm into a bottle and then set it at the head of my bed. I know, I'm disgusting.
I could watch movies every day. I wish I could have 30 bucks a day that I could just blow on movies at theaters. Yep, movies and fast food. Those are my vices. There are starving kids in Africa and poverty is rampant in the world, but I still want my ticket and cheeseburger. It's hard work sucking this much.
I think if I could pick my nationality I would be Swedish. They seem really happy.
Farts are funny. Apparently for guys only but still...funny. They were funny when I was ten and they're funny now. I've spoken with men who are 45 and guess what? Still funny.
I think I have talents that lend themselves to games and not professions. Memory, fact collecting, editing, refined sense of taste. My dream jobs seem to be just that, dreams. DJ, sports editor, tasting expert, humorist. Ah well, guess I'll just have to wait for that perfect job in ministry that Mom keeps praying for.

Wussing out

My friend AJ is having trouble finding locales to hang with unchurched people. My problem is I can't get away from them. Every job I've had, I am surrounded by people. I have never worked in a cubicle. I see humanity all day long. Customer service, working as a marker, and now as a salesperson, I am on display for all to see. Setting myself as an example of what a Christian looks like whether I want to or not.
I actually yearn for the church office life. I want to rub shoulders with my peers. To speak of the things of God daily and at length. I want to fix things, create things, and get things done. Don't get me wrong, I'm as committed as the next guy to evangelism. But I believe that my effectiveness will be increased tenfold when I'm away from the life. I want to live above the fray. I feel a little too much of the world and not in it. Maybe it's because I've had a taste of church life and it tasted so good and maybe I sound like a spoiled brat, but try working in negative situations for a while and see how much fight you've got left in you.
The average person won't understand my point of view cause it's all they've known but my spirit is exhausted from taking so many bodyblows of negativity and corruption. I see hurt manifested all day long. I just want to do some research on the disease for a while instead of treating it.

Ungrateful jerkiness

It occurs to me. Lately, I haven't really publicly let God know what a great job he's done providing for my family.

So here's to you God:
for the generosity of friends and strangers.
for a year of free diapers and wipes.
for parents and in-laws who give as second nature.
for free toys.
for temporary work that payed way too much.
for a budget that let us be flexibly frugal.
for a call from an old friend.
for a job that doesn't seem like the answer.
for a gracious wife.
for a precious daughter.
for reminding me I'm your priceless treasure when I feel utterly worthless.

Ten things you really don't need to know

Apparently, I chew quite vigorously. I'm not sure if this is true, but Laurie says I must produce extra saliva therefore making my mouth sound like a mini car wash.
I like sesame seed buns, a lot. I do not like kaiser rolls, at all.
Pizza Hut makes the best crust in the world. They fry it. If it's stuffed with cheese I'm over the moon.
Every time I tune in to Letterman, it's not funny. If I hear bits on the radio, funniest show ever.
My treat from tax return money this year is a hockey ticket. Now I just need to convince others to waste money with me. The Jackets offense is anemic.
I love seeing movies in theaters. I wish I had an endless amount of cash and free time. I would see almost everything that comes out. Next up: "10,000 BC". Plus "The Happening", M. Night Shamalyan's new flick. Two sets I own, all his movies and all the Potter films. Actually I'm missing his first one. It's called "Wide Awake". If you ever come across it, please send it to me. Really. I mean it.
I cut myself almost every day. It's really annoying.
My wife snores, but only when she's sick. I snore all the time.
I now have 19 mix cd's.
Lost is all new, all year.

Que Pasa?

This is my report on my evening taking care of the baby. First of all, Emma only eats when she wants to and its hardly ever at home. So after thrown food, two slapped hands, and me ignoring her crying, I got her out of her highchair and we were done. Then I tried to feed her a bottle. I say tried because I didn't screw the lid on her bottle tight enough and didn't notice it until she had almost finished. I estimate at least an ounce and a half wound up soaked into her shirt. So I stripped her down and let her run naked. She likes books and makes me read at least five a night to her. So we sat there reading. Milky, half naked and content. My girl and I had a wonderful bath, successfully drank another bottle and went to bed on time and without incident. We'll see how the night goes.
I made a salad tonight and was really disappointed. For some reason, there are certain things to eat that just taste better in restaurants. Or if someone else makes them. I'm a good cook, but I've given up on salads. Burgers are back on the list of things I'll make at home though. They had been off.
The carpet has taken a beating in the last few days. Peanut had the runs twice before we locked her in the kitchen. Then after that passed she threw up the next day. And finally I spilled Gatorade this evening. Sigh.
I have this sense of fear coming over me. We did our taxes and got back much more than we ever have. I keep thinking we must have done them wrong but.....
Week three on the job. I'm severely undertrained but we're severely understaffed, so I've been forced to do things I'm not ready or willing to do. Hopefully I'll get some responses from the 10 letters I'm sending to different districts. But probably not. God likes to humble me.
I hate getting screwed.(Not that I've run into anyone that likes getting screwed) We took our car in to have the brakes done and they're still squealing. I believe they actually did the work and that we have new brakes but they just didn't do it well.
I finally stopped hating people who slow down to go over train tracks. I used to slow down on purpose behind them and then ramp the tracks when I got to them. But now, I just swallow my rage. I have a lot of rage. Not sure why.
Does this ever happen to you? You say something to your spouse and in your head it makes sense but in reality it might not. Or they just seem to be acting really dense. There are some nights when communication with my wife is like verbal gymnastics. She doesn't get what I'm saying or I'll communicate in half thoughts.
Positives: $2500 dollars, free Godiva chocolate, clean dogs.
Negatives: the chaos of office life, 32 inch pants on 30 inch legs, no insulation.

Gezundheit!

I suck at basketball. I love to play it and I enjoy learning things about it, but when it comes to putting the knowledge into action I'm terrible at it. I have a hard time making even open layups. I think I get too excited to have the shot and just blow it. That and I have the technique of a four year old and the grace and coordination of a baby rhino. But boy, can I box out.
Happiness is watching a great TV show with a full belly and all of your girls asleep. Emma's in her crib, Laurie and Butter are on the bed next to me and Peanut is on her dog pillow. Our DVD player went after 7 years and we got a new one. 28 bucks! I got two. The great thing is I'm realizing that our old DVD player sucked and all the DVD's that wouldn't play before are now working perfectly.
The sandwich is the best food on earth. I stand by that statement and invite a healthy debate on the subject. I own a few food documentaries and one of them focuses on singing the praises of the sandwich. For the record, I consider anything between bread to be a sandwich. Peter Beckwith used to put mashed potatoes between slices of white bread. Odd, but a sandwich none the less. My Friends: take this opportunity to think on the humble sandwich and report back on your likes and dislikes.
Topic #6
How do we love God more?
I had a thought last week. I was watching an Andy Stanley video series called "Pause". It's on temptation and I was left pondering my own struggle with sin. My contention was that I don't hate sin enough. It was realized after much debate that the actual issue was that I need to love God more. This being a seminal moment for me, I also had the opportunity to have a conversation with a friend who stoked an old idea of mine from a flicker to a flame. Hopefully an inferno will result. I've got till the end of March to try and raise $2ooo for a steam table and meat to fill the most immediate needs of a local shelter. How do we love God more? Well, obey his commandments and love other people. The rest is just crap.

Woe to thee Meijer and Peter Pan

So has anyone else noticed these seals that they put on your favorite foods? Usually they're like paper with a foil top. They have these tiny little tabs that you're supposed to be able to use to rip off the seal only they never work! They rip only a portion or they rip down the middle. Hmmm.
I just started a new job today and I had to fill out at least fifteen forms. Some of them asked me to say I had read certain materials or understood certain policies even though I hadn't seen anything pertaining to my job yet. The company stresses integrity and yet they were completely fine with me lying for their records. Hmmm.
Remember being on school buses and how they always had to stop at railroad tracks? Well did anyone else's bus ever stop directly on the tracks? Mine always did. Isn't the whole point of doing the stop to not get caught on the tracks in a long vehicle? Hmmm.
Have you ever noticed that as we age we tend to look more like the opposite sex? Men get man-boobs, grow their fingernails out and have no more hair on their legs. Women get flatter, and start growing mustaches. Hmmm.
Positives: Boxers from Old Navy, dinner with friends, paychecks.
Negatives: Holy socks, canceled dinners with friends, No tuna subs.

Pilfered Wisdom

Stole this from Marcia Boland who stole it from someone else. If you don't want to look deep inside at your own motives after reading this, kudos to you. But I bet you're not looking hard enough. What a statement on the condition of our hearts. My savings account looks a lot bigger now.

I was recently sent this little story... It resonated so loudly in my heart! My prayer is that 2008 will be a year where I learn to worry more about the quality of the coffee than the cup I have to drink it from...


"A group of alumni, all highly established in their respective careers, got together for a visit with their old university professor. The conversation soon turned to complaints about the endless stress of work and life in general

Offering his guests coffee, the professor went into the kitchen and soon returned with a large pot of coffee and an eclectic assortment of cups: porcelain, plastic, glass, crystal - some plain, some expensive, some quite exquisite. Quietly he told them to help themselves to some fresh coffee..
When each of his former students had a cup of coffee in hand, the old professor quietly cleared his throat and began to patiently address the small gathering . ''You may have noticed that all of the nicer looking cups were taken up first, leaving behind the plainer and cheaper ones. While it is only natural for you to want only the best for yourselves, that is actually the source of much of your stress-related problems."

He continued .''Be assured that the cup itself adds no quality to the coffee. In fact, the cup merely disguises or dresses up what we drink. What each of you really wanted was coffee, not a cup, but you instinctively went for the best cups" ... Then you began eyeing each other's cups .''
''Now consider this: Life is coffee. Jobs, money, and position in society are merely cups. They are just tools to shape and contain Life, and the type of cup we have does not truly define nor change the quality of the Life we live. Often, by concentrating only on the cup, we fail to enjoy the coffee that God has provided us ... God brews the coffee, but he does not supply the cups. Enjoy your coffee!''

The happiest people don't have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have ...So please remember: Live simply. Love generously. Care Deeply. Speak Kindly. Leave the Rest to God. And remember - the richest person is not the one who has the most, but the one who needs the least.

You can thank me later

Have you ever noticed people are getting angrier? I know I am..... or was. I tend to wonder about things. Sometimes obsessively. Why is it that people seem to be angrier or at the very least, more comfortable expressing their anger publicly?
I think it's because we don't fight anymore. Used to be you had a disagreement you'd settle it with guns or a sword or a fistfight. Today though, that's seen as uncivilized and is punishable under our laws. It seems that people would be a whole lot calmer if they could just duke it out once in a while. Maybe this is a guy thing. After a physical confrontation guys can be buddies. Like nothing ever happened.
I watched football yesterday and it occurred to me that a lot of coaches can't get their players to do what they need to do or they don't know how. This one team was getting run on and they couldn't stop them. They knew it was coming and still they couldn't do a thing. Sad.
I hate myself enough right now that Laurie and I are going on diets. I'm actually only 20 lbs more than when I married but I'm not in love with the direction my tummy is headed. I'd like to see my wiener when I look down for at least a few more years. My terrible confession? I love everything bad for me. Butter, Mayonnaise, bacon, pop, fried food, cheese and all manner of dairy. It will be hell and I will hate it. Happy freakin' new year.